Au Pair Not Working Out? How to Handle Problems Early

Most host families who welcome an au pair in Australia have a positive experience. Children learn new things, parents get flexible help, and the au pair gains a home, friends and an unforgettable year abroad. But sometimes things do not go as planned.

Maybe the au pair is always late. Maybe the children are not warming to her. Maybe you feel you are working harder to manage your au pair than you would to manage the housework yourself. Or maybe your au pair is unhappy, homesick or feels overworked, and you can see she is struggling.

Au Pair Australia has a clearly defined set of steps to follow when is not working out between host family and au pair, first we encourage you to always keep all communication lines open with your au pair, you should both feel confident talking to each other about how things are going, and if things are not going well, try to resolve problems among yourselves.

Most of the time the au pair and hosting family relationship works out really well and is a positive experience in many ways for everyone that is involved, but sometimes it just does not work out mostly for personality reasons, and that can be difficult and stressful for everyone involved.

If you do not feel that you can resolve things on your own you need to let us know and we will schedule a mediation meeting with all of you, to come up with a possible solution for all of you to improve the situation for a couple of weeks, if after trying to work this out the situation does not improve, we come to a solution about what is going to be happening in the incoming weeks, the au pair has to stay with the host family for up to 2 weeks during her replacement, if she continues working during that time she needs to be paid, but if she decides not to work you don’t have to pay her a weekly pocket money and decided any modified household rules such as curfew and car use, we need to talk with you about rematching you with your new au pair, unfortunately we cannot guaranty continues childcare so is also important to have a backup option for childcare in case there is a gap between au pairs.

As I said transitions fortunately are rare but they do happen and they are not easy, the more you set expectations ahead time or open openly with your au pair, the more likely you are to avoid a transition or be better prepared to handle one with our help if it should occur.

If your au pair is not working out, take a breath. This is more common than people admit, and in most cases it can be fixed with early, honest and calm action. When a placement really cannot continue, there is a fair and respectful way to end it.

This guide explains how to recognise problems early, what to say and do, how to reset the relationship, how to know when it is time to move on, and how a good au pair agency can help. It is written for host families in Australia, but au pairs will also find it useful.

The short answer

Act early. Small issues grow quickly in a shared home. A conversation in week two is much easier than one in week twelve.
Check your own part first. Unclear expectations, too many hours or a confusing roster cause many problems.
Talk privately, kindly and specifically. Focus on behaviour and solutions, not personality.
Put changes in writing and review progress after one or two weeks.
Involve your agency if you cannot solve it between you.
Act immediately on safety concerns, without waiting for a “reset” period.
If it still doesn’t work, end the arrangement fairly, following your agreement and Australian workplace rules.

Why au pair placements run into problems

Living and working with a stranger from another country is a big adjustment for everyone. Problems usually come from a handful of causes:

1. Unclear expectations. The family imagined one thing, the au pair imagined another, and nobody talked about it. Typical examples are “light housework” that turns into the whole house, or “flexible hours” that turn into constant on-call time.

2. Culture shock and homesickness. Even a confident young person can feel lost in a new country, with unfamiliar food, accents, weather and customs. This can look like moodiness, tiredness or lack of motivation, when the real cause is that she is missing home.

3. Communication gaps. English may be the au pair’s second language. Humour, indirect hints and “polite” suggestions can be misunderstood, and she may nod “yes” when she has not fully understood.

4. Personality or lifestyle mismatch. One party likes a quiet evening, the other wants to go out. One is tidy, one is relaxed. Many placements fail for personality reasons, not because anyone has done anything wrong.

5. Experience and skill mismatch. An au pair with little experience of babies may struggle in a house with a newborn. A family who expected a trained nanny may be disappointed by a first-time au pair.

6. Overwork or role creep. Over time, hours stretch, tasks multiply and the au pair begins to feel like a full-time employee with little free time.

7. Rules and boundaries. Curfews, car use, guests, phones, alcohol and social media are common flash points, especially if the rules were not discussed from the start.

8. Poor fit with the children. Children may take time to accept a new person. Sometimes the age, energy or style of the au pair simply does not suit a particular child.

9. Outside pressures. Stress at work, relationship changes, a new baby or a move can strain a household and put extra pressure on the au pair arrangement.

Recognising which of these is at play is half the solution.

A normal adjustment period vs a real problem

Not every bump means the placement is failing. Most families notice a pattern in the first weeks:

Week 1: Excitement, politeness, everyone on best behaviour. It can also be tiring for the au pair, who is jet-lagged and learning everything at once.
Weeks 2 to 6: Reality sets in. Differences appear. Homesickness often peaks. This is when most small problems surface.
After the first two months: If expectations are clear and communication is open, things usually settle into a comfortable routine.

So some tension in the first month is normal, and it is not a reason to give up. What matters is how the issues are handled.

You can read more about the first weeks in her early days and how to welcome your au pair.

Early warning signs to watch for

The earlier you notice, the easier it is to fix. Look out for these signs.

Signs from the au pair

Repeated lateness, forgotten tasks or needing constant reminders
Withdrawing: staying in her room, avoiding meals or conversations
Frequent complaints or negative comments about the family, the area or Australia
Spending more time on her phone while supervising children
Changes in energy, appetite or mood
Talking often about going home or about other families or placements
Becoming defensive when you give feedback
Not following house rules or safety rules

Signs from the children

Reluctance to be with the au pair, beyond ordinary shyness
Unexplained changes in behaviour, such as clinginess, aggression or nightmares
Complaints that are specific and consistent
Children who never mention the au pair or avoid her

Signs from the family

You feel anxious or resentful before she comes home
You notice you are criticising small things, or avoiding the conversation altogether
The schedule keeps changing, or hours have grown beyond what was agreed
You are unsure what you can ask for, or what is fair

If you see two or three of these over a week or more, it is time to act.

Step 1: Look at your own part first

Before you talk to your au pair, spend ten minutes asking yourself some honest questions. This protects you from unfair assumptions and makes your conversation more credible.

Did I explain the schedule and duties clearly, in writing?
Are the hours in practice the same as the agreed hours? Count them over the last two weeks.
Did I explain the house rules, the car rules and the safety rules?
Has she had enough time off, including real days off?
Have I given her feedback, positive as well as critical?
Have I welcomed her as a person, not only as help? Have I invited her to meals, introduced her to neighbours or shown her around?
Is she isolated? Does she know how to get around, meet other au pairs and contact friends and family?
Is the task suited to her experience? Am I asking a first-time au pair to handle things only a trained nanny should do?
Is there something in our home or family that makes it hard for her? Tension between parents, a difficult child or a strict routine can affect her too.

If the answer to one or more of these is “not really,” start there. Many placements improve quickly once the family clarifies its side.

You may also find it helpful to review your au pair contract, your house rules and your curfew guidelines.

Step 2: Have the conversation early, privately and kindly

Many families wait too long because they hate conflict. They hope the problem will go away, and then it comes out all at once in a moment of frustration. A calm early conversation is much better.

How to prepare

Choose a private, calm time. Not while the children are around, and not when either of you is tired or angry.
Write down two or three specific points. Be ready with examples: “Three days this week the children were not ready for school at 8:15,” rather than “You are always late.”
Decide what you want to change. What would a good outcome look like?
Start with something positive. Mention one thing she does well.
Stay curious. She may have information you do not have.

What to say

Use clear, simple language, especially if English is not her first language. Avoid sarcasm, hints and long speeches.

A simple structure to follow:

Appreciation: “Thank you for the way you helped with homework this week. The children enjoy it.”
Specific concern: “I’d like to talk about the mornings. On Tuesday and Thursday the children were not ready by 8:15.”
Impact: “It means we’re late for school and I’m stressed at work.”
Question: “What is making the mornings difficult for you?”
Agreement: “Can we agree that from tomorrow, the children’s bags and shoes will be ready by 8:00? Let’s check again on Friday.”

Example phrases that help

“I want this to work for both of us, so I’d like to talk about something.”
“Can you tell me how things are going for you?”
“I may not have explained this clearly. Here’s what I expected.”
“What would help you do this more easily?”
“Let’s try this for a week and then talk again.”

Phrases to avoid

“You always…” or “You never…”
“In my country / In my last au pair’s time…” comparisons
Raising your voice or criticising in front of the children
Threatening to send her home as a first response
Bringing up a long list of old complaints all at once

Ask for her view

Au pairs are often afraid to speak up, because they worry about losing their home or their placement. Make it safe for her to be honest. Ask open questions: “Is there anything that’s difficult for you here? Anything you’d like to change?” If she says “everything is fine” but you can see she is unhappy, try again in a few days, or ask your agency to check in with her.

Step 3: Agree on a short reset plan

After the conversation, write a short summary and share it. This does not need to be formal. A short message is enough:

“Thank you for talking with me today. We agreed that: (1) the children’s bags and shoes will be ready by 8:00 each morning; (2) you will have Wednesday afternoons free, as in the schedule; (3) we’ll check in on Friday evening to see how it’s going.”

A written summary:

Avoids “I thought you said…” arguments later
Shows you are serious and fair
Gives you something to refer back to

Set a short review period, one to two weeks, and be consistent. Check in at the end, acknowledge improvements and note what is still not working.

Step 4: Involve your au pair agency

If you have talked, tried a reset and things have not improved, or if you do not feel able to speak to your au pair on your own, contact your agency early. Do not wait until the situation is a crisis.

At Au Pair Australia, we have a clear set of steps for when a placement is not working out:

Keep communication open. We always encourage host families and au pairs to feel confident talking to each other and to try to resolve problems between themselves first.
Let us know. If you cannot resolve things on your own, tell us. We will arrange a mediation meeting with you and your au pair.
Agree a short improvement period. In mediation we work out a solution and a plan to improve things over a couple of weeks.
Review. If the situation still does not improve, we agree on what will happen in the coming weeks, which may include a rematch with a new au pair.
Transition period. The au pair stays with the host family for up to two weeks while a replacement is arranged. Pay, working arrangements and house rules during this time (such as curfew and car use) are discussed and agreed.

Please note that we cannot guarantee continuous childcare during a transition, so it is wise to have a backup childcare option in place in case there is a gap between au pairs.

An agency brings something you cannot easily provide yourself: an independent, neutral voice. Mediation can help both sides feel heard, clear up misunderstandings and make sure that each party’s responsibilities are understood. Au pairs are also more likely to speak openly to someone outside your home.

Common au pair problems and how to handle them

Here are the most frequent problems, with practical ways to respond.

1. Homesickness and low mood

What it looks like: Quiet, tearful, tired, spending lots of time on the phone to home, wanting to stay in her room.
What helps:

Acknowledge it. Say that it is normal and that many au pairs feel this way in the first weeks.
Include her in family activities, but also give her space.
Help her meet other au pairs or young people through local groups, language classes or community events.
Allow regular video calls with family, within reason.
Keep her days structured, with free time that is really free.
If she seems very low, anxious or unwell for more than a couple of weeks, encourage her to see a doctor or call a support line, and let your agency know. Take any signs of serious distress seriously.

2. Lateness and unreliability

What it looks like: Missed alarms, forgetting tasks, arriving late to school pick-ups.
What helps:

Be specific about times and tasks, in writing if needed.
Ask what is making it hard (tiredness, late nights, misunderstanding of the schedule).
Use a shared calendar or simple checklist.
Agree clear consequences if safety is affected, such as a missed school pick-up.
Check your house rules on going out in the evenings before work days.

3. Hours creeping up

What it looks like: The au pair is working more than agreed, with unplanned extra evenings or constant on-call time.
What helps:

Keep a simple record of her hours for two weeks.
Compare with your agreement and talk about how to bring things back into balance.
If you need more help, discuss it openly, and think about whether additional pay, backup childcare or a different arrangement is fair.
Remember that au pairs may be employees under Australian law, and hours, pay and leave rules may apply to you. See our guide on whether au pairs are employees in Australia (link to your first article).

4. Housework and standards

What it looks like: The family expects a clean house, the au pair has a different standard or does not know how you like things done.
What helps:

Show her how you like tasks done, once, kindly and without sarcasm.
Write a short list of regular tasks. See au pair tasks.
Remember that her primary role is childcare, and keep housework within the agreed “light” level.

5. Children not bonding or misbehaving

What it looks like: Children refuse to listen, cry when you leave or prefer you to the au pair.
What helps:

Give it time. Many children test boundaries with a new carer.
Be consistent: use the same rules and routines, and explain them to your au pair.
Back her up in front of the children, and discuss differences in private.
Plan one-on-one activities that help them bond, such as a weekly baking session or a trip to the park.
If a child is genuinely distressed or reports something worrying, take it seriously and see the safety section below.

6. Different parenting styles

What it looks like: The au pair uses a different approach to discipline, screen time, food or bedtime.
What helps:

Write down your key rules, particularly about safety, discipline and screens.
Make clear that parents make the decisions about discipline and routines.
Model what you want, and thank her when she follows your approach.
Invite her ideas, as she may offer a useful new perspective.

7. Phone use and distraction

What it looks like: The au pair is on her phone while watching the children.
What helps:

Agree a clear rule, for example, “No personal phone use while supervising children, except for emergencies and photos for us.”
Apply the rule fairly, including for yourself.
Explain that this is a safety issue.

8. Car and driving concerns

What it looks like: Careless driving, fines, minor accidents or hesitation behind the wheel.
What helps:

Check insurance and licence conditions before she drives.
Do a supervised practice drive and agree where she can and cannot drive.
If she lacks confidence, do not pressure her to drive the children until she is ready.
Agree who pays for fines and fuel, in writing.

9. Going out, guests and curfew

What it looks like: Late nights before work, friends visiting, partners staying over, or alcohol.
What helps:

Have clear, written house rules from the start. See house rules for au pairs and curfew.
Remember that an au pair is an adult with her own life, but she is also living in your home and responsible for your children.
Be fair and consistent, and explain the reason behind the rules (safety, sleep, privacy).

10. Communication and language barriers

What it looks like: Misunderstandings, repeated mistakes, or an au pair who says “yes” but does not understand.
What helps:

Speak slowly and clearly, and avoid slang.
Ask her to repeat instructions in her own words.
Provide written notes, photos or a short guide for key routines.
Encourage English classes and conversation practice.

11. Cultural differences

What it looks like: Different ideas about food, privacy, punctuality, personal space or directness.
What helps:

Assume good intentions first.
Ask about her culture, and explain yours.
Talk about expectations that might surprise her, such as “taking your shoes off at the door” or “we eat dinner at 6pm.”

12. A feeling that “something is off”

Sometimes there is no single incident, but the relationship does not feel right. That is also valid. Try a reset conversation and a trial period of one to two weeks. If your sense remains the same, speak to your agency. Sometimes a personality mismatch is nobody’s fault and a different match is the best solution.

When to act immediately: safety and serious concerns

Some situations are not suitable for “a chat and a reset.” If any of the following happen, act straight away:

A child is injured through neglect or unsafe behaviour
A child tells you something that worries you about how they were treated
The au pair is intoxicated or under the influence while caring for children
She leaves children unsupervised or in unsafe situations
She is dishonest about something that affects safety, such as her driving licence or health
She is physically or verbally aggressive
Unauthorised people are in the home while you are away
She is seriously unwell, distressed or at risk of harming herself

In these cases:

Ensure the children’s safety first. Remove her from the care role if necessary.
Seek urgent help if needed (000 in an emergency).
Contact your agency immediately.
Document what happened, with dates, times and facts.
Seek advice about your legal obligations and, if appropriate, report to the relevant authorities.

If you ever feel that the au pair is being mistreated in your home, or that she is unsafe or overworked, take that just as seriously. A good placement is safe and respectful for everyone.

When is it time to end the placement?

Every family has a different threshold, but these questions can help:

Have we talked openly about the issue more than once?
Have we tried a reset with clear, written expectations and a review period?
Have we involved the agency and tried mediation?
Is the problem about behaviour that could change, or about a fundamental mismatch?
Is the situation affecting the children’s wellbeing or safety?
Is the family losing trust in the au pair, or is the au pair losing trust in the family?
Is the arrangement causing ongoing stress for the household or for the au pair?

If you have tried reasonable steps and the answers show that the situation will not improve, it is usually kinder to everyone to end the arrangement sooner rather than later. Staying in a failing placement for months rarely helps anyone. Many families and au pairs go on to have excellent placements with a better match.

How to end a placement fairly and respectfully

If the decision is made, do it carefully.

1. Check your agreement and terms

Look at your au pair contract, the notice period, and the terms of and conditions. They should explain how either side can end the arrangement. See the au pair contract and contract, salary and conditions.

2. Remember your legal obligations

Because an au pair may be an employee under Australian law, rules about notice, final pay and records may apply to you. This can include payment for hours worked, any accrued leave, end of stay bonus. The rules depend on how the arrangement is set up. Check with the Fair Work Ombudsman, the ATO or a professional, and talk to your agency before you give notice.

3. Talk to her in person, privately

Do not announce it by message, and do not do it in front of the children. Be calm and respectful. Explain that you have decided the arrangement is not working, and explain what happens next. She may be upset, relieved or both.

4. Tell her what will happen, in practical terms

The last working day and any notice period
Whether she will continue working during the notice period
Where she will stay and for how long
Final payment, including how and when
Return of keys, car access and any household items
How you will handle her belongings and travel arrangements
The help she can expect from the agency

5. Protect the children’s feelings

Children can become attached quickly. Explain in age-appropriate words that the au pair is leaving, that it is not their fault, and that you will help them say goodbye. Keep the tone gentle and positive.

6. Keep it respectful

An au pair on a working holiday visa is a young person far from home. Treat her with kindness even if the placement was difficult. Avoid public criticism or complaints on social media, which can affect her future and your reputation.

7. Be fair with references

You do not have to write a glowing reference, but be honest and fair. You can mention her strengths and say that the match was not right for your family.

8. Update your agency

Let us know right away so we can start looking for a rematch and support the au pair too.

Planning for a gap: backup childcare

Even the best agency cannot guarantee that a replacement will arrive on the day the first au pair leaves. Plan a short-term solution:

Ask friends, grandparents or neighbours if they can help for a few days
Look into casual babysitters or after-school care. See our find a babysitter page
Check whether your employer allows flexible hours or leave
Think about holiday programs or short-term care options

Having a plan in place reduces stress and lets you make better decisions about the placement.

Learning from the experience

If a placement ends, take time to reflect:

What worked well? Keep doing it.
What was unclear? Improve your agreement, schedule and house rules.
What did you learn about your family’s needs? Perhaps you need a more experienced au pair, an au pair who is comfortable driving, or a different age group.
What would you do differently in the first month? A longer welcome, more check-ins or earlier feedback may make the next placement smoother.

Share these points with your agency so they can improve the next match. See our guide on red flags and green flags when choosing an au pair and our family interview guide.

How to prevent problems from the start

The best way to handle problems is to prevent many of them. Here is a simple checklist.

Before she arrives

Choose carefully, check references and ask about experience. See selecting an au pair.
Be honest about the challenges of your household, such as a busy schedule, a long commute, pets or a demanding child.
Prepare a written agreement, a weekly schedule and a set of house rules.
Prepare her room and a short welcome pack.

In the first week

Spend time showing her the home, the neighbourhood, the routines and the emergency numbers.
Introduce her to neighbours, other au pairs or local groups.
Go through the contract and the house rules together.

In the first month

Hold a short weekly check-in. Ten minutes on a Sunday evening is enough.
Give small, regular feedback, both positive and constructive.
Ask how she is feeling, not only how the work is going.

Ongoing

Keep hours fair and time off respected.
Celebrate her efforts and achievements.
Treat her as a valued member of your household and community.

You can find more guidance in our au pair handbook and the page on information for host families in Australia.

Tips for au pairs who are struggling

If you are an au pair reading this, the following may help.

Speak up early. Most host families want to know if something is wrong.
Ask for clarity. If you do not understand a task or a rule, ask politely, and ask for it in writing if you need to.
Stay in touch with your agency. They are there to support you as well as your host family.
Look after yourself. Sleep, eat well, stay active and keep in touch with friends and family.
Build a life outside the home. Language classes, other au pairs and local activities can make a big difference.
Know your rights. If you are asked to work much more than agreed, feel unsafe or are treated unfairly, speak to your agency and, if necessary, the Fair Work Ombudsman, which provides free information for workers.

Frequently asked questions

What should I do first if my au pair is not working out?
Look at your own part first, then have a calm, private conversation with specific examples. Agree on a short reset plan in writing and review it after one or two weeks.

How long should I wait before deciding it isn’t working?
Give a normal adjustment period of about four to six weeks, unless there is a safety concern. If problems continue after a clear conversation and a one to two week reset, it is reasonable to involve your agency.

Is homesickness a reason to end the placement?
Not usually. Homesickness is common and often improves with support, structure and social connection. If it becomes severe or lasts a long time, speak to your agency.

What if the children don’t like the au pair?
Give them time, as children often take weeks to adjust. Keep routines consistent, support the au pair and plan fun one-on-one time. If a child is truly distressed or says something worrying, take it seriously and act.

Can I send my au pair home immediately?
It depends on the situation. For serious safety concerns, you must act at once and contact your agency. In other cases, your agreement, your agency’s terms and Australian workplace rules (because au pairs may be employees) will explain notice and final pay. Get advice before ending an arrangement suddenly.

Do I still have to pay my au pair if the placement is ending?
In most cases you must pay for work done and may owe other entitlements depending on how the arrangement is set up. Check your agreement and get advice from the Fair Work Ombudsman, the ATO or a professional.

Will the agency find me another au pair?
At Au Pair Australia we work with families on a rematch if the placement does not work out, but we cannot guarantee continuous childcare during the transition, so it is wise to have a backup plan.

What if my au pair wants to leave?
Talk openly about why, and try to resolve any issues. If she still wants to go, agree on a fair notice period and handover, and contact your agency so they can support both of you.

How can I avoid problems with my next au pair?
Be clear about your needs, check references, write down duties and house rules, welcome her warmly and hold regular check-ins.

Is it my fault if the placement fails?
Not necessarily. Many placements end because of personality or lifestyle differences, not because anyone did anything wrong. What matters is that you handled it fairly and learned from it.

Where can I get official advice?
The Fair Work Ombudsman (fairwork.gov.au) for workplace questions and the Department of Home Affairs (homeaffairs.gov.au) for visa conditions.

Conclusion

If your au pair is not working out, you are not alone, and it does not mean you made a mistake. Living with someone from another country is a big adjustment for any host family. The families who have the best experiences are not the ones who never have problems. They are the ones who notice early, talk kindly, set clear expectations, ask for help and act fairly.

Start with a calm conversation. Be specific, listen, agree on a short plan and check in again. Involve your agency if you need support. If it truly cannot work, end it respectfully and use what you have learned to find a better match.

If you would like help with an existing placement, or want to start with the right match from the beginning, our team at Au Pair Australia is here for you. Contact us or register as a host family to find a screened au pair for your family anywhere in Australia.

What happens if it doesn’t work out with our au pair?